bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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