Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
