Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
