He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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