I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
