I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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