one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My life is pants optional.
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