By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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