I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
