I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
