I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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