Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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