He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
