so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
