Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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