oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
