the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
