I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
