he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
