Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
