i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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