were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
