Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
