I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
