why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
