just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
