the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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