Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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