to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you didnt know i had herpes?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize