i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That accounts for only three of the penises
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
