Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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