You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
