Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
