I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
