the condom got lost in my hair
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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