She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
