He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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