Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
