We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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