You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
