Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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