I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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