Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he laminated a picture of his dick.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
