ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
