paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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