Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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