Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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