you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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