So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
