i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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