Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize