I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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