i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize