he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Boobs speak an international language.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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