i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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