Christians are straight up FREAKS
I looked at my own cervix.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize